I’m Not Broken.

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Do you know why I put those words as my heading? Because finally they are true. Yes I may be bruised a little….still a lot sometimes, but no longer broken.

I want to share a story with you from when I was broken because its a poignant one for me. The food thing. If you’ve read any of my earlier posts you’ll understand exactly what I mean…

Messy party table that’s what you get from us!

“When I first acquired Anosmia, I thought that was the worst it could get. Well you know they say it gets worse before it gets better, how true that is”.

A few months into this life changing, heart breaking condition, Parosmia added to my troubles. This is a distorted and normally horrible sense of smell and taste and can often happen following Anosmia. But I had Anosmia in one nostril and Parosmia in the other so that was fun…not.

I distinctly remember one particular incident that occurred when I was at my lowest. It was my Mums Birthday, so as is tradition in our family, we went out for a meal. I considered making my excuses and pulling out of it but I would have felt so guilty if I had. We got to the restaurant a lovely little place that I had fond memories of before I became ill, and all sat round the table. The moment I was dreading occurred…out came the menus. I stared at the long list of food choices and almost broke into a sweat. I knew that whatever I chose would taste horrible because of my Parosmia, at that moment I felt like crying. My family knew my dilemma and said things like try going for something bland, I know they were trying to be helpful but all I wanted to do was get out of there.

Well I eventually made my choice and as the food started emerging, I got smells coming through that were disgusting to my messed up nose, and started to feel sick. Once my meal was put down in front of me it could have been dog food for all the appeal it gave me. I gathered what little strength I had and put a forkful of food into my mouth. I wanted to gag it was so bad but instead I forced myself to swallow it. However I knew that that was enough for me. No way was I going to have another mouthful.

The afternoon continued with everyone commenting on how nice, tasty, enjoyable, their food was and I tried not to feel resentful, it was my mothers birthday after all. When the waitress came to take the plates away she looked down at mine seeing I’d hardly touched it, and said ‘was the meal not to your liking madam?’, I replied as politely as possible ‘yes it was fine I just wasn’t that hungry’. Maybe I was being paranoid but I was sure I heard her tutting under her breath as she turned away.

Finally it was over though, and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Oh, and one passing remark really made my day! My cousin said to me as I stood up from the table, ‘wow you’ve lost a lot of weight you’re really skinny’ I think it was meant to be a compliment, but I felt like saying yes that’s because I’m not bloody well eating! But I kept it to myself.

So there you have it my friends. A day in the life of an Anosmic. Pretty raw don’t you think? That day has always stayed with me but I also feel like I’m healing from it, recovering…not physically or completely, unfortunately that may never happen (mmm think I’ve mentioned that before). But mentally, up in that crazy head of mine, I do believe that something good is starting to happen.

Long may it continue!

Do you have something in your past that you are finally healing from? If you would like to share let me know in the comments.